I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life

I Hate This Place : The Pessimist's Guide to Life
by Jimmy Fallon, Gloria Fallon

Paperback - 128 pages
Published: September 1999)

Review and Synopsis from the publisher tvbooks.

Finally a self-help book that has a REAL perspective on life

Absolutely devoid of any spiritual or religious significance or meaning, I HATE THIS PLACE: The Pessimist's Guide to Life is a humorous take on self-help books created by two people with a unique brand of humor. A character born in the minds of Jimmy Fallon and his sister Gloria Fallon as they communicated with each other via email from Los Angeles and Boston, "The Pessimist" offers a peculiar and hilarious take on the common occurrences of everyday life - an inspired antidote to the usual self-help book.

The title of this book says it all. It includes wonderfully pessimistic chapters such as "If you were thinking of....(Don't!)," "When people say...(they really mean...)," "Personal reflections of the Pessimist," and "Daily affirmations for the Pessimist."

Here are a few gems that show you that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:

"Some days I wake up, and stare at the ceiling. Then I think, 'Man, I wish it was tomorrow."

"Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of 'The Jetsons' go, and why hasn't he done something about this??'"

"Sometimes I wish that I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse."

"They say a dog is man's best friend. That's if you're lucky enough to get one of those 'friendly' dogs."

In the tradition of Al Franken's Stuart Smalley and Jack Handley's Deep Thoughts (both of which were first seen on Saturday Night Live and went on to become bestsellers), I HATE THIS PLACE will strike a chord with readers everywhere. Afterall, there is a pessimist inside all of us just waiting to get out!

About the Authors: Jimmy Fallon and Gloria Fallon were born a year apart in Brooklyn, New York, to Jim and Gloria Fallon (yes, you read that correctly), and were raised upstate in Saugerties. They both attended college in the Albany area. After college the two Fallons went their separate ways, moving to Los Angeles and Boston respectively. I HATE THIS PLACE started as cross-country e-mail messages between brother and sister, making each other laugh while they were miles apart. With Jimmy's background in comedy and Gloria's background in writing, the two siblings decided to write a book. While they are excited about having their first book published, the Fallons still hate this place.

Quotes From The Book

"Some days I wake up, and stare at the ceiling. Then I think, 'Man, I wish it was tomorrow."

"Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of 'The Jetsons' go, and why hasn't he done something about this??'"

"Sometimes I wish that I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse."

"They say a dog is man's best friend. That's if you're lucky enough to get one of those 'friendly' dogs."

Growing up, I always wanted to be just like Abe Lincoln. Dead.

Exercising: You'll probably just break your ankle or twist your knee. You have to be in shape to get into shape- it's a no-win situation like many others.

Optimistic advice not to follow: "Life is what you make it." So I'm the one to blame for all this?

If you were thinking of going to a family reunion: Your immediate family is bad enough, do you really want to see the people that started this whole mess?

People seem to like saying, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" They stop smiling when I say, "It will be empty when I pour it over your head!"

When people say, 'Oh can you hold on for a minute? I have another call.' They really mean, 'Thank God for the mute button I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance.'

When people say, 'That's so sweet' and 'You are so sweet' they really mean 'Thanks ass-kisser.'

There's plenty of fish in the sea: And most are like the one that just dumped you!

Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today. And if you die in your sleep, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry.

Don't keep reaching for the stars, you'll just look like an idiot with stretching like that for no reason.

When people say, "That's very interesting." They really mean, "What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I'd rather just classify it as 'interesting' and not be associated with it at all."

If you were thinking of going to happy hour to meet some new friends: Think again. You'll be the only person without a friend or a date, and your too shy to just go up and introduce yourself to strangers. You're just going to sit by yourself, paying for drink after drink, until you're a pathetic, quivering mass at the bottom of your barstool. It'll turn out to be sad hour instead, for you and everyone involved.

If you were thinking of leaving the house: Thus is okay, just remember that you will most likely run into people you don't want to talk to, and also there is more of a chance that you can get killed.

If you were thinking of buying a car: Remember there is a possibility that this could be your coffin.

If you were thinking of seeing a foreign movie: Look at picture, look at words,look at picture,look at words, look at me getting the hell out of the movie theater.

When people say, "Thank you for your application, Your resume was extemely impressive." They really mean: "You didn't get the job, and I blew my nose in your resume."

When people say, "I'm sorry I forgot your name." They really mean: "I just want you to feel as unimportant as I think you are."

I think people who run in marathons are crazy. I wouldn't do it even if I was gauranteed to win. Sweating like a pig, accepting little cups of water from strangers, and having diarrhea run down my legs in public for a cheap medal just isn't worth it as far as I'm concerned.