Jimmy Quotes

It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo role in the "Men in Black" Sequel, where he plays an alien but doesn't wear a costume. Touche, Michael, you beat us to the joke this time. But we'll be back!

Dodonpa, the world's fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan. Unfortunately, only eight people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.

A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son's diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed.

The supposed image of the Virgin Mary in the the window of a New Jersey house disappeared Tuesday when the homeowner cleaned the glass, leading many to conclude what they have already feared- there are no virgins in New Jersey.

This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out.

Experts in Egypt are conducting DNA tests on two mummies to determine whether Egypt's King Tut was infact the rightful heir to the Pharoh's thrown. That means we don't have a Pharoh. No wonder why they're so confused on who the rightful Pharoh-- look at this ballot! I mean I wanna vote for Eyeball Eagle, but I can't tell if I'm gonna vote for Serpent Three Wavy Lines. Let me thell you something, if Serpent Three Wavy Lines gets elected, I'm moving to Crete.

Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barger shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, "Make me look like AJ."

Speaking of Britney, she's on the cover of Rolling Stone this week. Can we look at this thing. Ga-ga-ga-goin! Holy God! Hey, that's nice. You know, something looks weird there, I think that photo's doctored. That's not her cleavage. That's my ass!

Researchers say that men with short legs have an increased risk of heart disease and a condition that could lead to diabetes. Will Charlie Brown never win? You blocked artery head.

A man named Harley Utz died Monday at the age of 103, ending his 83-year-long marriage, the longest on record. On the upside, at last we can betogether, Mrs Utz!

Canada's defense minister announced Monday they will aid the U.S. by contributing six naval ships, six aircraft and a special forces unit, although when converted into American numbers, that became two canoes and a sling-shot.

Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while "Inside Schwartz" boldly did away with humor alltogether.

Hoping to get people to go to museums again, New York City has started a new ad campaign called "I Love New York Culture." But if they want me to back to museums, they should name the campaign "Sorry We Yelled At You For Touching Stuff, Jimmy Fallon."

Daniel's from Canada. The other day, me and Gobi convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs.

My snot froze in both my nostrils, what did you expect me to do?! I couldn't breathe!!

Jennifer Aniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident in Hollywood. The other driver had his car totaled, but on the upside, he gets to tell his friends that he rear-ended Jennifer Aniston. Oh snap!

Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail! ... And you though Tropicana Grove Stand was pulpy! ... What brand was it? Man-suckit Nectars?

American Express announced that it's cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, "Priceless."

Directer Tod Browning is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him cut out a scene in which James van der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, James replied "They were filming that?!"

Christian Browning, the son of the writer of the novel "The Birds" was attacked by birds outside his apartment. Very worried right now? The son of whoever wrote "The Blob"

Researchers are testing a new form of medical marijuna, which treats pain but doesn't get the user high. Prompting patients who need medical marijuna to declare "...Thank You?" New York City Police have yet to recognize my idea for safer streets: Nerf cars

People all over the country drank themselves into a frenzy as they always do, this past St. Patrick's Day. Or as the Irish refer to it: Saturday.

It has been released that President Bush did have previous knowledge that Osama bin Laden was planning to crash planes into the twin towers, teaching the nation a very valuable lesson: never give the president important information will he's watching Spongebob Squarepants.

O.J. Simpson has allegedly been housing a drug dealer, letting him drive his kids to school. In his defense, O.J. stated that if his kids didn't ride with the drug dealer, they'd have to ride with the murderer.

Oh Snap! Oh snap! Oh no you dih-int!

In a recent interview, Johnny Depp revealed that he ate so much Chocolate while making the movie Chocolat, that he will never eat it again. In a related story, Chocolat was so Chocolong and Chocoboring, that I want my chocomoney back.

Scientists believe that the dolphins' ability to use a mirror puts them at a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. [so, so true]

Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches, after breaking his foot in a quote "common household accident" at his Neverland Ranch. "It could've happened to anyone," Jackson told a reporter. "See, my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man's bones and I tripped on my cape."

Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introdruction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named "Best New Sedizin of the Yizun" by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.

This week, Sporty Spice told reporters that she was done with the Spice Girls...making her just two years behind everybody else.

Marshall Mathers II, the father of rapper Eminem, said this week that he wants to reunite with his son after twenty-five years. Eminem's dad says he is desperate to rebuild their relationship and has left a checking account where he can be reached.

Zyban, the prescription medication designed to help soem people quit smoking, is being sued in three countries by people claiming family members who took the drug died suddenly. A spokesperson for the pharmeceutical company said, "yes, but are they still smoking?

An Australian man, Rodd Milner, announced that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Milner is dead.

It has been announced that Eminem and Elton John will perform a duet together at this month's grammy's. when asked if he was conflicted about performing with the obviously gay performer, Elton replied "I'm just fine with it"

Scientists have determined that the universe is approximately 12.5 billion years old...someone's got a 13th birthday coming up!!

During an interview this week on "60 Minutes", Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, "Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?" Adding, "Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions."

American Express announced that it's cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, "Priceless."

Scientists believe that the dolphins' ability to use a mirror puts them at a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera.

On Wednesday, over sixty medical and women's groups told the government that the morning-after contreceptive pill is safe and should be sold in drugstores and supermarkets without a prescriptsion. 'Okay, I need a price check on the whore pills! I got a drunk girl in a prom dress over here, can we hurry up? Price check, whore pills?

It was announced this week that Napster, the music swapping Internet site, will be charging a monthly fee. So it looks like it's back to the old way of getting free music: sending a penny to the Columbia House CD Club and joining under a fake name. And Columbia House, if you're out there, you're never gonna catch me or my name isn't Dr. Theodore J. Fuggelhemerson!

During an interview this week on "60 Minutes", Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, "Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?" Adding, "Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions."

Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,00 to the Screen Actors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, Arsenio Hall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.

Coming up on Weekend Update Health Watch: Is there a simple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No, no there isn't.

It was revealed today that the Falun Gong members who lit themselves on fire in Tienanmen Square last week were not making a political statement but were in fact imitating something they saw on an episode of MTV's 'Jackass.'

An Arizona company is selling a 'scratch-and-sniff' test to screen for Alzheimers disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel, but forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimers

Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barger shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, "Make me look like AJ."

Officials say that a number of London's historic buildings are being severely eroded by people urinationg on them. Meanwhile, experts have determined that Manhattan was once the size of South America.

An Arizona company is selling a 'scratch-and-sniff' test to screen for Alzheimers disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel, but forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimers.

Cliff Hillegass, the creator of Cliff Notes, died Saturday at his home in Lincoln, Nebraska, at the age of 83. Services will be held from 2:00 to 2:05.

New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That's encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and fabrache eggs!

Rachel: "Hi, I'm Jill Butt." Jimmy: "Uh.. and I'm Jarret Ass, nice to meet you."

Ah, yes... we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards cap with a tape of the "Cheers" finale?

We work at Jeffrey's. We read Italian Vogue. It's our deal. I don't come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.

Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference, a spokesman for the company stated, "Sixty! 60 fired workers! Ah ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" News of the firings were brought to the employees by the letters "F" and "U".

Earlier this week, doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cell phone from a woman's rectum. Don't you hate those a-holes who are always on the cell phne? Wait, wait... everytime the phone rings she blames it on the dog!! Wait, quick review of the new Nokia cell phone- it stinks! Back to you, Tina.

This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out.

I do all my reports on video because I suffer from an as-yet unnamed learning disability.

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants! (Jimmy's senior year quote)

Pennsylvania woman who was convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge reading, "convicted shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be stealing."

Wade's just gettin' over the flu, so in a day or two, when my antibiotics are through, I'll get close to you.

Wade's got a really big heart. no, seriously, a little too big; the doctors say i'm not allowed to drink coke anymore.

You just gotta ask the right questions. Like, in 1981, how many grams of crack did Rick James smoke while making 'Super Freak'?

I was thinking, maybe you could come over to my Mom's crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look at some games..

Ben, tell me something, 'cause I really want to know. What's it like having people like you?

Ah, yes... we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards cap with a tape of the "Cheers" finale?

Quotes from "I Hate This Place: A Pessimist's Guide To Life""Some days I wake up, and stare at the ceiling. Then I think, 'Man, I wish it was tomorrow."

"Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of 'The Jetsons' go, and why hasn't he done something about this??'"

"Sometimes I wish that I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse."

"They say a dog is man's best friend. That's if you're lucky enough to get one of those 'friendly' dogs."

Growing up, I always wanted to be just like Abe Lincoln. Dead.

Exercising: You'll probably just break your ankle or twist your knee. You have to be in shape to get into shape- it's a no-win situation like many others.

Optimistic advice not to follow: "Life is what you make it." So I'm the one to blame for all this?

If you were thinking of going to a family reunion: Your immediate family is bad enough, do you really want to see the people that started this whole mess?

People seem to like saying, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" They stop smiling when I say, "It will be empty when I pour it over your head!"

When people say, 'Oh can you hold on for a minute? I have another call.' They really mean, 'Thank God for the mute button I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance.'

When people say, 'That's so sweet' and 'You are so sweet' they really mean 'Thanks ass-kisser.'

There's plenty of fish in the sea: And most are like the one that just dumped you!

Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today. And if you die in your sleep, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry.

Don't keep reaching for the stars, you'll just look like an idiot with stretching like that for no reason.

When people say, "That's very interesting." They really mean, "What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I'd rather just classify it as 'interesting' and not be associated with it at all."

If you were thinking of going to happy hour to meet some new friends: Think again. You'll be the only person without a friend or a date, and your too shy to just go up and introduce yourself to strangers. You're just going to sit by yourself, paying for drink after drink, until you're a pathetic, quivering mass at the bottom of your barstool. It'll turn out to be sad hour instead, for you and everyone involved.

If you were thinking of leaving the house: Thus is okay, just remember that you will most likely run into people you don't want to talk to, and also there is more of a chance that you can get killed.

If you were thinking of buying a car: Remember there is a possibility that this could be your coffin.

If you were thinking of seeing a foreign movie: Look at picture, look at words,look at picture,look at words, look at me getting the hell out of the movie theater.

When people say, "Thank you for your application, Your resume was extemely impressive." They really mean: "You didn't get the job, and I blew my nose in your resume."

When people say, "I'm sorry I forgot your name." They really mean: "I just want you to feel as unimportant as I think you are."

I think people who run in marathons are crazy. I wouldn't do it even if I was gauranteed to win. Sweating like a pig, accepting little cups of water from strangers, and having diarrhea run down my legs in public for a cheap medal just isn't worth it as far as I'm concerned.

"... I'm learning comedy on Saturday Night Live, and then if I learn dramatic stuff with directors, then I'm like, an unstoppable robot."

You shut your mouth Roker! You hear me! I mean, I, I got advice from Ali, from Muhammad Ali. Not the Muhammad Ali, a different Muhammad Ali, he's a cab driver, And he gave me advice and he told me to KICK SOME ASS!

So I'm in Boston, my sister's getting married, you know, and I'm in Boston walking down the street, and someone's in the car and they're like "HEY JIMMY!" And I'm like "Hey! What's up?" and he goes, "YOU'RE RETARDED!" and I'm like "You are!" He's like honking the horn.

Someone should invent action figures that are lanky and have no super powers. Then the youth of today might respect people like me.

They're so happy for me [his family], they're flipping out. My mom calls me the baby. [As in,] 'The baby's coming home this week' or 'Did you see the baby's sketch last night?' The baby? I shave for God's sake. They're flipping out about that too.

I have to get a new goal now because I've wanted to be on the show since I was a baby. Anytime I ever cute a birthday cake, if I was throwing a coin in a fountain or saying a prayer, I would always say, 'I want to be on Saturday Night Live.

"No ones figured out that I have mental problems yet so I'm still getting paychecks"

I love myself, I'm my biggest fan.

I'm not a gigalo or anything.

Did you see my cowboy outfit?

I had a troll doll. You know, with the fuzzy hair, and i'd, like, do commercials for them.

"Believe me, I would travel by pogo stick if I thought we could make more money."